AUTHOR'S NOTES: Thanks to J for beta. :)

Friday night in mid December. I’m in my bathroom, in a good fucking mood, blowing my hair straight, rocking out to the Beastie Boys.

I clip a section of dark hair up on top of my head, and start in on the final piece. When my hair feels the air it tightens and wants to curl, and it takes a steady pulling pressure to get it to dry straight. I wish Shane was here to do this for me, but she’s on a movie set. I don’t know how she does this shit all day. My arms ache just from doing my own hair.

I finally turn off the blow dryer, my hair as straight as if I’d been born that way. Freshly reminded of why I never do this. My favorite Beasties song is on. I lip synch at my reflection, “You gotta fight! For your right! To parrrrr-ty!" with a snarl. She points her finger back at me and grins. I’m like a different person without my curls. I part my hair with a nail and pull it to the side in a rhinestone barrette.

“Good enough,” I tell my reflection. I hope Shane will be able to make it to the party. I think she’ll like my hair like this.

I can’t believe she’s coming to New York. I look at my holiday-best reflection in the mirror and grin. We’re going to have a blast, whether she knows it or not. The idea of her with me, in my parents’ loft, hanging around at my favorite pizzeria, or shopping in SoHo... Wow.

I look at my silver dress watch, and squeak. I’m very late. “Fuck fuck fuck!” I slide into my clothes, shimmery blue sleeveless blouse, silk pants, flats. Go out the door without a coat. It’s downright balmy. I feel gorgeous and light and happy. I forget the cake I made, then go back to get it. Finally I’m driving.

I have to circle the block three times before I find Dr. DelVecchio’s house, a rambling stone thing that stands out from the parade of ranch houses on his block. I ring the bell, and the happily buzzed doc is taking the cake from my hands, urging me to eat and drink.

“Well, she finally gets here!” A voice says. Darrell. He’s sitting on a beige sectional sofa in the living room, muscled arm around the body of a tiny and beautiful girl.

“Hi Darrell,” I say, tugging a stray dreadlock. “How are ya, baby?”

“I’m good.” He introduces me to the girl, whose exotic name I promptly forget.

I make the rounds of the party, accumulating dinner in hors d’oeuvre form, saying hello to my co-workers. At the end of the buffet table I see a large bowl of eggnog.

I go back to the living room and sit opposite Darrell and his lady. He looks huge compared to her, all muscle and brawn, resting a beer on his knee. Do straight people really get off on that size differential? I’ll never know, I guess.

“So what’s up, Dar?” He asks.

“Um, not much, Shane and I are volunteering a lot over at the Light of Life mission in East L.A. Oh my god, who brought the eggnog? I haven’t had any of this in years.”

“Glad you like it,” says the guy to my right. He looks familiar, but I can’t place him.

“You brought that? Thank you. This stuff makes me totally nostalgic. I almost feel like I’m home.”

“Where are you from?” He has dark hair, outgrowing its cut. He looks tired.

“New York.”

“Really? Where?”

“The Village.”

“I’m from the East Side.”

“No kidding! My homeboy,” I laugh.

“Yeah, I guess so,” he smiles dryly. “I don’t think anyone’s ever used those words to describe me.”

I laugh and offer my hand.“I’m Darah.”

“Doug.”

Doug. Jeanette’s Doug. A tall guy in jeans and a denim shirt, dark hair, nothing like I thought he’d look. Oh, fucking fuck. Why is he here? I feel incredibly awkward, my face glowing red. I don’t know why.

“Oh. Nice to meet you... I’m so sorry about Jeanette. I miss her so much.”

He nods. “I appreciate that.” I feel horrible, like a piece of shit, but I see that he means it. He gets up. “I’m gonna go check on the baby.”

Fuck, I think, watching him get up. Have I offended him? I deal with dead people’s relatives all the time, but this feels different. Awkward. Horrible. I don’t know why.

“So where’s your wife?”

“Huh?” Darrell’s voice jogs me from my thoughts. “Oh.” I grin at the thought of Shane and I, married. “She’s not my wife, Darrell. And she’s on a movie set. She’ll come later if she can.”

“Cool. I haven’t seen her in ages.”

“I guess that means I need to throw another party, huh?”

“You got that right.” He lifts up his beer. His date isn’t saying much. She’s beautiful, perfect coffee-colored legs crossed at the knee. I wonder if this one is serious. If Shane can settle down, so can Darrell, right?

Doug walks in with a bundle wrapped in a pink blanket. Oh god, I didn’t realize their youngest was so young. He sits back down next to me and I lean over, drawn by little pink hands, little pink face, blue eyes on the cusp of alertness, almost focusing, then fluttering closed. He has a bottle.

“Oooh, who’s this?” I coo, leaning over to admire her tiny pink fingers, tiny pink nose.

Doug smiles, not looking at me. “This is Lily.”

“Lily, that’s beautiful.”

“Thank you.” Lily makes a tiny cry, then latches on to the nipple of the bottle. Then, she suckles vigorously. I wonder if she was nursing when Jeanette died. Wonder if it was hard for her to take a synthetic nipple. I can barely stand my sympathy for a moment. I just don’t know what to say, how to be.

“She’s beautiful.”

“Yeah,” he says, stroking the baby’s little furred head with his big fingers. “She’s a good girl.”

The doorbell rings and Dr. DelVecchio goes to answer it. He’s considerably drunker than when he let me in, comfortable in scrub pants and an oversized hockey jersey.

“Hey Lorraine,” he calls out gregariously, then he escorts Dr. Bucknel in, takes her jacket.

She comes over and fusses over the baby, and compliments me on my hair. She apparently knows Doug well. “She’s getting big,” she says. Every time I see her, I think of her tending to a dying Shane. I can’t help it. Opening her eye, flashing light in. Me standing there with my hand on my mouth, my whole world hanging from a thread.

How can he stand it, that she’s gone forever? I suddenly want Shane here so much. I don’t know if she’ll make it tonight.

“So, how long have you been in L.A?” I ask Doug.

“Oh, jeez, about ten years now.” He says, not taking his eyes from the baby’s face. She is vigorously sucking down the contents of the bottle.

“This is my first winter out here. I’m still not used to this seventy degree stuff.”

“It’s a big adjustment.”

“Yeah. That, and how long you need to drive to get anywhere.”

“Yeah, that’s so true. It took me a long time to get used to that. I finally started renting books on tape.”

A tiny little girl comes up and rests her hands on Doug’s leg. She eyes me with big blue eyes. She looks exhausted. “Hi,” I tell her.

She turns away, hides her head on Doug’s knee.

“She’s shy.” He puts his big hand on her head, gently. “Hey Louisa, you know who this is?”

She shakes her head, too shy to look up at me. This is the bitch that took your mommy’s job, I think. How can that much grief exist in such a tiny body?

“This is Darah. She sent you guys your new dolls.”

I’d forgotten about that. They were making a gift basket for Doug and the girls, and when I’d told my mom that I had no idea what to contribute, she FedEx’ed the dolls to me.

Louisa looks up at me and grins, then quickly pushes her face back into her father’s knee.

“It’s nice to meet you, Louisa.”

Louisa peeks at me from the corner of her eye.

“They’re crazy about them. In fact, I think Lindsay brought hers with her. Honey, go find Lindsay, tell her to come here.”

Louisa walks out of the room. Three L-named little girls. Three little girls with blonde hair and big eyes and unfathomable grief. Lily is the luckiest, she won’t even remember.

“She’s adorable. How old is she?”

“She just turned four.” I wince, and think of Shane. Doug sets the empty bottle on the end table, then lifts the baby onto his shoulder. His hand is big on her little back. She’s wearing a pink onesie.

More people arrive, and the party starts to pick up. The nog goes to my brain as do the two glasses of wine I had. I hope Shane comes. I think it would be cool for my ER buds to see the end result of their work, see her alive and healthy.

Louisa comes back with a bigger girl who doesn’t seem much older than her, same big eyes, same long pale hair.

“Lindsay, you know your new doll that you like so much?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, this is the lady who gave her to you.”

“Thank you,” Lindsay says, well schooled in etiquette.

“You’re welcome.”

“I brought her with me. She likes to play with the other dolls.”

“Well that’s great, I’m glad she’s getting along with them so well.”

“What’s your name?” Lindsay asks me. Cute. This one is obviously more gregarious than the others.

“My name is Darah, it’s nice to meet you.” I offer my hand, and she shakes it.

The baby starts to fuss, and Doug bounces her in his arms.

“That’s my little sister. Her name is Lily.”

“I know. And I bet she’s gonna grow up to be as pretty as you two are.”

“Yep. I’m almost six.”

“Wow. So you’re the oldest?”

“Yup. I’m the boss. They have to listen to me.”

I smile. I see Brittany across the room, looking stunning in a pink dress, watching me with the little girls. I wave to her, and she smiles and waves back. Why is she looking at me?

“Do you have any kids?” Lindsay asks.

“No, I don’t.” Here we go, I think. She’s gonna ask me if I’m married.

“That’s too bad.”

“You want one?” Doug asks, playing. Louisa is crawling on his lap, despite the baby he’s holding. “Really, I mean it, you can have one.” He grins, and suddenly I like him a lot.

Lindsay picks up his hand and raspberries it. “Daddy. Silly.”

“Wow, you really have your hands full,” I observe. Baby on his shoulder, Louisa crawling on his lap, Lindsay dancing around in front of him.

“Hey, why don’t you two go grab your dad a beer.” Dutifully, the two girls scamper off. Daffodils, I think.

“Yeah. They’re the best,” he says. “Sorry for the grilling.”

“Oh, don’t be, she’s adorable. Precocious.”

“Yeah, that’s what they say.”

Lindsay reappears with a beer, and hands it to him. “Thanks, baby.”

“You’re welcome,” she says, and walks back into the other room.

He reaches to twist the cap off the beer but has trouble doing so with the baby in his arms. “Here,” I smile and reach out for the beer, he smiles back and I uncap the beer. It’s cold. He takes it gladly, raising it to me in thanks. I feel suddenly very easy with him, very comfortable. Why was I so freaked out?

“So how are you holding up? I mean, I’m so sorry. I just feel really awkward and I don’t know what to say, that’s why I didn’t say hello at the funeral.” I guess the wine has loosened my inhibitions, but I’m glad it has. I like Doug. I don’t know why I ever felt so weird.

He lays the baby down on his lap. “I don’t know. It’s been three weeks. Longest three weeks of my life.”

“I bet.”

“Thanks for asking, though. I really appreciate it. Jeanette always spoke highly of you.”

“Really?”

“Oh, yeah. She said you were one of the best nurses she’d ever worked with.”

“Oh, wow. I’m... I’m incredibly honored.”

“I dunno, I’m so focused on the girls, it just hasn’t sunk in yet, I guess. So, how’s your girlfriend doing? Is she okay?”

Jeanette told him about Shane? “Oh, um, she’s doing really well, thanks. She’s still doing physical therapy once a week and she has some pain but she’s good. She’ll be here later, hopefully.” I feel guilty talking about my woman when his is dead. So I just sip my wine.

I spend most of the party chatting with Doug. It turns out that he moved out here to be with Jeanette, who he met at his cousin’s wedding. He’s an analyst in the energy industry. I tell him how I moved out here because I was sick of Texas, and how I’ll be heading back to New York for Christmas.

“No kidding,” he says. “I’ll be there too.”

“Oh, wow, we should get together. Shane is gonna be coming with me.”

“Shane?”

“My girlfriend.”

“Oh. Well I’ll give you my cell number.”

A high-pitched crying comes from the other room. “Oh jeez,” Doug says, trying to stand up while holding the baby.

“I’ll hold her if you want.”

“Really? You don’t mind?”

“No, I’d love to.”

He shifts the sleepy Lily into my arms, and her eyes flutter open. She starts to fuss but I coo at her. She stops, then starts again. I spot the binky attached to her onesie and pop it into her mouth.

“You look good with a baby, Darah,” Darrell says. I smile at him. I wonder if she knows her mother is dead. God, I barely know these people and it hurts so much.

Lily takes a few tentative slurps on the binky, then begins to suckle. I press my thumb into her curled fist. Little tiny fingers, so fragile. She grips, hard. “You’re a big strong girl, yes.” I murmur.

Lily’s eyes open, then sleepily close. “There ya go. It’s okay, go to sleep,” I whisper. The tiny honey-colored hairs on her head feel like silk.

I feel someone watching me, and look up. Shane. She’s standing in the doorway with a bottle of wine. Gorgeous in a clean white shirt, a serious light in her eyes. Oh jeez, she’s totally busted me gushing over this baby like a fool. I feel myself blush. How long has she been standing there?

“Hey!”

She opens her mouth and nothing comes out for a second. What’s up with this? I hope nothing happened to her today.

“Wow. You look amazing,” she finally says. “And...” She eyes the baby. “You’ve been busy.”

“This is Lily. She’s Jeanette’s daughter.”

“Oh.”

Doug comes back into the room with a sobbing Louisa. She clings to him, loudly crying. Shane looks at them with wide eyes. He sits down next to me. Shane looks at him, then at the Louisa, then me with the baby.

“C’mere,” I tell Shane, and I stand up. Kiss her. She tastes like mint and coffee. “So how was work?”

“It was good,” she says, again looking at me strangely. What the hell is going on in her head? Then she looks down to the baby. “She’s cute.”

“Isn’t she beautiful? That’s her sister Louisa and there’s the older one around here somewhere. Oh, and Doug. Doug, this is my girlfriend Shane.”

“Hi,” he says, and reaches to shake her hand. There is no room for Shane on the couch. So she sinks down to the love seat.

“Darrell is here. At least he was a minute ago. He was asking about you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, he’s around here somewhere.”

“Cool,” she smiles, and something in it is nervous. She looks nice. She dressed up a little, red striped tie and boots. I’d like to peel her right out of those clothes and do dirty things to her.

Apparently whatever crisis Louisa was having has blown over. Doug sends her off with a pat to her butt and she walks out of the room, sucking her thumb. She’s probably regressed since Jeanette died. Poor kid.

“So Shane,” Doug says. “Darah says you were on a movie set?”

“Um, yeah. It’s a Kate Hudson movie.”

“Oh, she’s great.”

“She’s really nice, I did her hair today.”

Lily starts to fuss, and spits out her binky. Doug leans over, worrying. “Maybe it’s time to go back to daddy,” I say, handing her over. He takes her, and Shane watches.

I get it in that instant. She’s jealous. She came in, saw me holding a baby, and a man sitting next to me...

Oh jeez. She knows better. I’m as gay as gay could be. I get up, sit next to her on the love seat. Twine my fingers in hers, raise her hand to my lips. There is some kind of sweetish cologne or perfume on her wrist. I kiss her fingers, then rest our hands on my knee. Out of the corner of my eye I can feel her smile.

“So what’s Kate Hudson like?” Doug asks, trying to get Lily to take the binky.

“Um, she’s really nice. Really down to earth.”

“Who else is in the movie?”

“Um, Hugh Grant and Julia Ormond.”

“She’s hot.” I blurt.

“Yeah.”

“Oh yeah,” Doug says, and I smile. Jeanette is dead, I guess, but he isn’t. “I always had a thing for brunettes. Until I met Jeanette.”

“So, was it love at first sight?”

“You know, it was for me. And I think she was like, who is this putz?”

I laugh.

“I’m really sorry,” Shane says, feeling the awkwardness I’d felt earlier. “I’m sorry about Jeanette.”

“Thanks, I appreciate it.” For a second I think Doug is gonna cry, but he just glances at me, then at Shane. “How about you two? How did you meet?”

Shane and I look at each other. She looks so beautiful, that wry lopsided smile on her face. I laugh. “We met at the Planet in West Hollywood. I hit on her.”

“No, I hit on you,” she says.

“Nuh uh! I gave you my number.”

“Oh, please.”

“All right, whatever, it was mutual hitting.”

Suddenly Darrell is there, a huge presence. “Oh my god, she lives!” he says to Shane. “Give me a hug, girl.”

Shane grins and stands up to hug Darrell. You could fit two of Shane in his huge body. This makes me smile. He sits down next to Doug and squeezes Shane’s hand. “It’s so good to see you, man, you look great.”

“Thanks.” I had no idea that she and Darrell had bonded so much. Then I remember that she’d told me on a few occasions that he’d been to visit.

Suddenly Louisa is standing in front of me, hand on my knee. She starts to climb on me. Oh wow, didn’t expect that. Nonetheless I pull her the rest of the way onto my lap.

“Hello there.”

She eyeballs Shane and starts playing with my hair. Tiny baby fingers pulling up pieces, making little singsong noises. Absolutely fearless. So fucking cute.

“Hello.” She doesn’t take her eyes off of Shane.

“Louisa, this is Shane.”

“Hi,” she says solemnly.

“Hi there,” Shane replies. Friendly, cute. “How are you?”

“Good,” she says. And then she rests her head on me. She looks exhausted. But she keeps staring at Shane. Shane seems a little bit unnerved by it.

“There’s a boy named Shane in my class.”

“Really?” Shane says, widening her eyes. She’s really good with her.

“He’s my friend,” she says.

“Well that’s great. I bet you never met a girl named Shane before.”

“Nope.” And the thumb goes back into her mouth. Her eyes want to close. Sleepy. But she still stares.

“I think someone has a crush,” I whisper.

“D!” She hisses.

I just smile, and pat Louisa’s back. She’s a sweet warmth on my chest, and her hair is silky.

“I should take them home, before she falls asleep” Doug says.

“I don’t mind. She’s sweet.”

“Yeah, but if she sleeps now she’ll never get back to bed. C’mon, Weesy, we have to go.”

Louisa whines, and I stroke her hair. “Guess what, kiddo?”

“What?” she says, little face twisting, grumpy.

“We might see you guys in a few weeks.”

“Oh, yeah, I forgot.” Doug reaches to get his wallet. One handed, he flips it open and extracts a card, while Lily sleeps on his other arm. He hands a business card to me. “My cell is on there. Hey Weesy, Darah and Shane are gonna be in New York when we are.”

“My gramma lives there.” She says. “I know, so do my mommy and daddy,” I say.

“C’mon, Weezil, let’s go round up your sister.” Doug goes into the kitchen, leaving Shane and I alone in the living room.

“You didn’t tell me about that.”

“About what?”

“Hanging out with them in New York.”

“I didn’t know he was from there. I never met him before tonight.”

“Really? His kids really dig you.”

“Well, that’s because I rock,” I say wryly. Her lipstick is berry red, eyes shadowed darkly. Lust clenches low and hot in my groin.

“Your hair is gorgeous,” she says, looking me up and down.

“It better be, after all that work. You look pretty hot yourself.”

She grins. I pull her by the tie, close to me, for a kiss. She obliges me, wholeheartedly. Laughter pours from the other room, and The Christmas Song. My tongue slips into her mouth. She makes a feathery, barely audible sigh-moan and kisses me back, hand gentle on the side of my head.

Doug comes back with the kids and a rustling mess of jackets. He manages to get the appropriate jacket on each kid, then shakes our hands, and finally he manages to corral them all out the door. I think if I were him I’d forget one now and then.

We move to the kitchen, where everyone is congregated with shot glasses and a bottle of Sambuca. Shane stands with her arm around my waist. Dr. DelVecchio is now utterly bombed. His wife stares at us, at the way we stand so close, at how her arm encircles me. If I weren’t so buzzed it would be uncomfortable. Everyone else is oblivious, listening to the good doctor’s hilarious impressions of last year’s residents.

“I’m gonna take off,” Shane murmurs into my ear.

“Oh. You’re bored out of your skull, aren’t you?”

“No, I’m just tired. It’s almost ten, and I had a six o’clock call. I was up at like, four thirty.”

“Oh wow, I forgot you had to work so early. I should take off too, I’ll walk you out.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I want to.”

We say goodbye to everyone and I walk Shane to the end of the block, where she’s parked. I get the sense that she doesn’t want me there. Something weird is up with her, something weird in the way she looked at me when she came in.

Panic rises in me. Calm down. This relationship has been a constant ebb and flow of certainty, mountains and valleys, and with every one I’ve ridden out, things get deeper, better, richer.

We reach her Jeep before we get to my car. I know she doesn’t want to talk. So I say “Baby?” and she looks at me.

I kiss her lustily, tasting mint, feeling the subtle sting of her Lip Venom. She takes a little step backward, off balance, hand up, before kissing me back with a low chuckle. We part, breathless, half a minute later.

“I love you,” I tell her. “Good night,” I say, before she has a chance to say anything.

I’m halfway to my car when I hear her. “I love you too,” She calls back.

I turn to look at her, looking so beautiful, lipstick smeared a bit, dumfounded. I just give her a big grin, and keep walking.