A series by November

Chapter 28: Pain From Pearls

"Pain from pearls,
hey little girl
How much have you grown?"
--The Indigo Girls >

He found her in the library. She was curled up on a sofa reading a novel. Taking a precious bit of Me Time while Maggie was out with Bobby and Jubilee.

"Marie?"

She looked up. "Oh, hi, Logan."

"Can we talk?" He looked so serious, so afraid she would say no. Rogue realized that he had been serious about earning her trust.

"Sure." She gestured toward the other end of the sofa and put her book down, cover up, on the end table. She sat up and hugged her knees to her chest.

"I’m glad you at least’ll talk to me." he smiled slightly. It was a Saturday, and the library was so quiet.

She was smiling. Nervous but smiling. He forged ahead. "I know I owe you like a million apologies." He looked down at his hands and traced the lines on his palm. "I owe you an apology for telling you I’d protect you and bailing. And another five especially because I never called or wrote. I know saying I’m sorry won’t make it all better, I’m not that stupid. I just. Well, it’s a start I hope."

"It’s a start" she said softly.

"I... know it’s not an excuse, there is no excuse, but I just wanted to explain. Because I thought about you every day out there."

He looked up and saw her sweet eyes full of tears. I deserve this, he thought.

"And I could have called you and- I was afraid. By then it was a year already and I was afraid that you didn’t need my baggage, that you would be happy without me. I felt guilty enough for infecting your brain, giving you my fucked up memories."

He sat, unable to say anything else, acutely aware of the smell of her tears.

"I wasn’t," she said through her tears. He heard the pain and the anger.

"You weren’t what?"

"I wasn’t. Happy without you." He had known that it was there and that he deserved it, but the cold fury in her voice still surprised him.

"I had a good childhood," she said, wiping tears out of her eyes. He blinked at the non-sequitor, but let her finish.

"My parents loved me. It never in a million years occurred to me that they could ever not love me. Then I kissed a boy and left him in a coma and my mother came home and told me that I wasn’t her daughter. She told me to get out. I asked her, where am I supposed to go, and she looked in my eyes and told me that she didn’t care, just to get out. And my dad, he just stood there like... like a fucking stone while I cried and I pleaded. And I said over and over that it wasn’t my fault, I didn’t mean to, and it was like talking to a wall."

She pulled a tissue out of her pocket and wiped her tears.

"And my momma, she said ‘discussion over’ and started cleaning the kitchen up like nothin’ happened and my dad just stood there, not saying a word. And I looked at him, and he said ‘you better get going.’ and he wouldn’t even look me in the eye."

She was openly sobbing now. He remembered himself saying similar words on a snowy road and for a second he felt as if his guilt and shame would overwhelm him, consume him. But then he told himself again "I deserve this" and forced himself to breathe evenly.

"So then, when you said you were going, I thought you’d be back in a month, or maybe two. And then it was Christmas, before you know it. And then my birthday. And another birthday. And another. And then I learned how to control my skin and I was so proud of myself and I wanted so much - I wrote a letter to my parents, seeing if maybe they’d had a change of heart, just to let them know where I was and that if they wanted to write me they could... and two weeks later I got the letter back, my father’s handwriting, return to sender.

"And it was one thing to have them do this but you- Logan, you were the salt in my wounds. You saved my life and told me you’d take care of me but you left, you abandoned me too. And you weren’t even gonna say goodbye? You were just gonna slink out the door? And I thought, what is wrong with me, that everyone leaves, am I so horrible, so bad..."

"That’s so not true." He said.

"Oh I know that now." her voice was bitter. She was a woman who knew her own worth, there was no doubt about that. "But after being totally rejected by my mom and dad...I could kill my parents, I could. Sometimes I wish I had your claws so I could tear them limb from limb. But you- on top of all of that, it hurt. You saved my life then left me and I was so alone and I couldn’t touch anyone, and sometimes I wondered, why didn’t he just leave me to die-"

The emotions came back so real, so strong, that they shocked her. She pulled her knees up and hid her face against them, embarrassed at the tears that wouldn’t stop.

He couldn’t take anymore without touching her. He wanted to take her into his arms and hold her like a child until he stopped crying, but he didn’t have the right. He settled for pushing back her hair, tucking those white bits he loved so much behind her ear. She didn’t flinch. She let him.

Finally she wiped her eyes and straightened up and met his face. "I’m sorry," she said. "God, I’m so embarrassed."

"You aren’t the one who should be embarrassed." He laid his hand over hers, on the back of the sofa. She felt its warmth. It was then that she saw the tears in his eyes, a sight she'd never before seen.

"I know."

He swallowed and told himself that he deserved the guilt, and his days of running were over, and that he was gonna make it right.

Finally he spoke. "I’m sorry. I’m not saying that I had an excuse, I just wanted to tell you the reasons. And I’m glad that you can still cry in front of me and that you didn’t kill me on sight, I guess. Because I swear to you, and I know my swearing has gotta be meaningless to you but I do, I swear to you, Marie, that I want you to trust me. I don’t want there to be this weirdness between us."

"Me neither." Her voice was tiny and tear-roughened.

He realized that he was letting out his breath, letting go of tension that had been with him for years. "I’m so relieved."

"Really?" She couldn’t believe that she was actually sitting down with Logan and he was discussing his feelings.

"Yeah. I was afraid you were never gonna speak to me again."

She smiled. "It was tempting."

He smiled, hoping she was kidding.

"Why did ya come back?" It was the one question that she hadn’t been able to figure out. Gone for five years, and then back to stay.

He sighed. "When I was out there I had to come to terms with a lot of shit. I realize that I’m probably never gonna know anything about my past. I’m tired of wandering around."

"It must have gotten old after a while." she said.

"Yeah."

They were quiet for a second. Dust motes danced in a column of light. "So why come back here?"

He traced the same line over and over. "I don’t remember the things that were done to me but they made me into a giant wuss. There’s a lot of shit I’m just beginning to face up to. Like you, for example. You’re a good part of the reason I came back. To try to salvage some of the promise I’d made, if you let me. But that’s not all of it. It’s just - I’m sick of looking back. I need to look forward."

"So being a teacher at mutant high is your way of doing that?" She knew she was mocking him, but she wouldn’t let him hind behind vagaries.

"Partially. Maybe. Actually that’s only an incidental sort of thing. Though yeah, now that I think about it I really like teaching. There’s- something else I’ve been working on. I’ll show you someday. That’s the thing that... really has me now."

"I’m really glad you’ve found some sorta direction."

"I guess that’s one way of putting it. And I’m so damn glad, to come back and see that you’re happy. I worried about you so much, how hypocritical is that? I come back and you’re this... amazing woman, with a life and a kid of her own. Not that I have any right to be but I’m proud of you."

"I’m proud of you, too." Tears again rose to glitter in her eyes.

"Okay, so enough of these deep thoughts" he said, despite the fact that he was grinning ear to ear. She's proud of me. "Let’s go get some burgers and play air hockey."

Rogue smiled nervously. "I can‘t today. Maybe another time."

She neglected to tell him that he reason why she couldn’t was because she was terrified and embarrassed by her emotional display and wanted to bolt like a frightened cat.

"Sure." He didn’t bother hiding his disappointment. "You know where to find me."

She watched him walk away and frowned. She decided that she didn’t like killing that light in his eyes.