A series by November

Chapter 31: Here in the Dark

"Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't..."
--Bonnie Raitt

He was drained. His uniform was soaked with sweat and blood from long-healed wounds. It had been a rough mission.

He had recognized one of the scientists who had hurt him. The beady eyes, the smirk. In those eyes swam the memory. He couldn’t remember details, just pain, long hours of pain.

He had missed the kid’s party. He felt bad about that. He’d wanted to go. For Marie.

It wasn’t too late. About seven o’ clock. In his room was Maggie’s gift. He brought it downstairs. He needed to see Marie. To lay his head on her shoulder, if just for a second, even if in mere friendship.

He’d had to get through ten men to kill the one he remembered. He had no compunction about it. They were bounty hunters, mutant killers for hire. He had the bone-tired satisfaction of having made some progress in his vengeance. The world was a slightly better place, due to the sweat and blood and spent energy.

He knocked on Marie’s door. She was home, he could smell it. He could also smell Carter. He rubbed his aching knuckles.

He could hear a soft moan. Marie’s. Kissing sounds. A low male voice, much quieter. A burning pain impaled him. I’ll just leave. Then Marie, saying "I think there’s someone at the door."

Shit. For all his wild tendencies, masochism was never his cup of tea. He fought the urge to bolt. And their friendship was precarious as it was. This was very bad.

Footsteps, and the door opened. She had smoothed her hair, but he could smell Carter’s desire, could tell that her lips were full and red and freshly kissed. He could smell that she was wet for the other man.

He closed his eyes and cursed himself for this. This was not what he needed.

Rogue took in the sight of him in torn bloody leather, hair long and tangled, eyes weary. His face bore a hint of stubble and somehow it made him look more vulnerable. So beautiful.

"Logan. Oh my god, are you okay?" Her hand was on his arm. Fingers that smelled of Carter.

"I’m fine," he smiled. "How was the party?"

"Oh, it was great. We missed you. Come on in and have a piece of cake."

"No, I... I don’t feel so hot. I just wanted to give the kid her gift." He handed Marie a long flat silver package.

"Thanks. She’ll be so happy. How was the mission?"

"Intense. I really don’t want to talk about it right now. I’ll tell you about it later."

"Okay. Maybe we’ll have lunch tomorrow?"

"Maybe. I’m gonna go lie down. Give the kid a hug for me."

"Okay."

He allowed himself to look her in the eye. He saw concern that healed him, compassion that called to him like a siren song. God, how he wanted to give in to it. He was so close.

"Are you sure you’re ok?"

"I’m all healed but I haven’t slept in three days. I’ll be fine. Good night."

"Night, Logan."

He forced himself to turn his back on her concern and walk away.

He went downstairs and out into the rain. He walked through the rose garden. His uniform became soaked and the May night‘s chill soaked in with it. He didn’t stop going until he got to the clearing. He sat down on a felled tree and sat, head in his hands.

He cried. He had no shame about it. When he was hurting like this, or angry, he was closest to his animal nature, and it felt natural to lick his wounds. Still, he didn’t want to be found. Because wanting Marie had reduced him to crying like a baby.

His back shook with sobs. Icy water trickled down his neck.

Marie, baby, god, I want you so much.

His fingernails were digging into his arms. The sound of his sobs was deep and wrenching. He still felt flesh and bone giving way under his claws, memory clear as day, corroborated by the throbbing pain in his hands.

He wanted so much for her to touch him, banish the ugliness, take the pain away.

How ironic that her touch could heal him.

Eventually he stopped crying.

He emerged quietly from the woods, tears and blood washed away, clean and empty and light and ready for sleep.