A series by November

Chapter 37: Epiphany

"I can't take anymore of this,
I wanna come apart,
And dig myself a little hole
Inside your precious heart...
--Staind

That evening as she walked with Maggie in the woods she thought of him. Only him. She couldn’t think about anything else.

While he had been gone her feelings had dwindled from love to something constant but more abstract, skewed by frustration and longing, and it faded a bit with every year. Now he was here, and real, and more complex, beautiful, and mysterious than ever, and she knew in her heart that she was lost.

Since he had returned he had pursued her with a calm, steady persistence that was somewhat baffling. It was difficult to adjust to his constant presence, its permanence, the way he was settling in at the mansion and in its community.

It was even harder to wrap her mind around the steadfast earnest way in which he tried to prove himself to her. Just what was his goal, she wondered for the millionth time? She saw in her eyes that he wanted her. But was that what he was consciously working for? Would he take her romantic feelings and rebuff them by saying that she was just a kid, denying his own desire? Was he still carrying a torch for Jean, and hiding it very well? She didn’t think so. Would he tell himself that she was a team member, just a friend? She hoped not. Would he think of her as someone to fuck, and then freak out, leaving her alone? It didn’t make sense, given his single minded desire to earn her trust, but leaving for five years without a word didn‘t make sense either.

Terror ran through her. She had been determined not to trust him, not to let him in, and now she realized that she was a feather and he was the wind.

It hit her within the space of that moment, when dusk approached and Maggie was tossing bread crumbs into the pond for the ducks. She felt the moment stretch and elongate as her one thought echoed throughout it. I love him. I’m in love with him. This is it. She loved the way he painted. She loved the gentle, attentive way he interacted with Maggie. She loved the strength of his hands and the fire in his eyes and the growing calm in his demeanor. She loved the way he lost his temper and loved the defeated, weary stoop of his shoulders after a rough mission, though she didn’t want to see it, ever.

Maybe it was the Logan in her that made her want to run, take Maggie and go someplace tropical, away from him, but she didn’t think so. As they circled the duck pond and approached the mansion again, the odds of running into him increased, and the desire to run was like a fire in her throat. She didn’t want to see him right now. She was afraid that he would see right through to her heart, and it terrified her.

Jun 22, 04
I’m going crazy.

I showed them to her. I showed them to her and she threw me for a damn loop. Acted like I was the next Michelangelo. It was a good feeling. Relief, you know? She didn’t think they sucked.

Slowly, she’s letting me in. The kid likes me. I like her too. It’s still not as open as I’d like it to be, but it’s moving steadily and it’s moving in the right direction.

Sometimes I think this feeling is gonna kill me. This waiting. And I’m so afraid of fucking up.

I love her. Jesus. I love her.